"you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all"

the sense of an ending by julian barnes

it has been long since i finished a book in one sitting, last time it was martin page's how i became stupid

first impression drawn from the first few paragraphs: this book resonates rather clearly with dcfc's lyrics

"it stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on the faulty camera in our minds"

and this impression stayed until the very ending, this was what the book premise is primarily based on, the kind of issue--passage of time-- that to me, has never become a bore

in general, i also like how most fantasies including the man character's, from his point of view, do not often morph into reality, maybe half-baked, in a predictable way that does not really disappoint, that is to have a life not dictated by novel standards, or those imposed by tv/movies; wasting life passing 'ripe years' with limited pool of close persons (when supposedly, according to novels/movies to be spent with as many people as possible) but does not feel like time wasted at all later, maybe immediately but not in the long run, generally i also like the idea of having such closeness reserved

the book's narrator, and main protagonist/antagonist (he seems 'neutral' to me) is tom webster. the story however mostly circles adrian's life, his friend who is superior in wisdom, knowledge, logic, and manners. adrian seems like that necessarily almost perfect character whose most human traits are unknowable/unbelievably mundane, even lower than mundane, if what tom predicts of his behaviors in the later part of the book is to be taken into account

tom really relies the narratives on the 'faulty camera in his minds', idk how to really take this, in a way this is very true that our memories are really prone to false recalls but he is reminding us of his lackluster, inferior subjectivity way too often and i think barnes might have used this approach to 'play safe', or to take the 'open to any interpretation' concept to another level, author is not responsible for any explanation of any version of the past. but the idea is the realities constructed by webster a second earlier could shatter via appearances of evidence and physical remnants from the past (all the more reason to write for the sake of writing, as often as possible)

in part one you will see adrian snatches tom's ex-girlfriend veronica, one of the only two women tom seems to be deeply involved with, in romantic context

and then there we would find tom talking about the different communication styles both he and veronica are adopting during their relationship, about their curious infra-sex encounters, etc

i like that this is skulked among my scanty stash of fictional accounts of masculine suicide; it is interesting how the distinctions between the male suicide and the female one are almost blinding. i have been guilty of attributing qualities such as depression & suicide tendency with feminine traits, not only because of the vast literature romanticizing both cases, but also because their portrayals are real in a reason that we get but can't explain (remember the russian roulette theory by a shrink in the virgin suicides). and then i saw shame and it was something different, offering an exposure of how male depression is often not less throbbing, only generally more sober and sensical, and appears to be less chaotic. the suicide element in the sense of an ending, is sudden, unlike most female suicide cases, which are generally planned, or could be detected earlier (via tumblr content), only are often taken for granted.

the real reason for his suicide revealed later is due to adrian's very human traits that i talked about, while adrian seems utterly philosophical, straightforward, logical and all, the real reason is that he gets a lady pregnant (the whole internet is arguing whether it is veronica's or veronica's mother's baby, aka veronica's shockingly new sister)

enthusiasm might ebb away a little following this fact, to me it now sounds like telenovela/mtv reality show after plucking the adolescent pondering of concepts of time/relationships/life in general

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