it's been a lifetime since i really wrote, alphabets have turned their heads from me. yesterday i was reminded to write three reports, part of group project work

the book (aldous huxley's island) i am reading now offers a few shocking gulps but other than that it's a smooth long nip. can't help drawing some comparisons with cat's cradle, the idea of a utopia where it consists of a few fucked ups in the system ('integrated man won't become a king in the land of the insane', props for this).

remembered charles bukowski's line

just disgusted by people who think collectiveness can give them the legitimacy to stamp 'MAD' over someone else's back or forehead.

made short list of movies i wanted to watch, idk if they're still screening next week. otherwise just gonna dvd them with boyfriend/friends:

extremely loud and incredibly close
rabbi's cat
a separation

instead watched wrath of titans last weekend, 'simultaneous battles' in the last scene, tried to scrutinize the army's way of dressing; their armors, their horses, and weapons, comparing them against the descriptions in my history class, an attempt that yielded no fruit. maybe the history books are just fiction in disguise too, wrapped in clear plastic and neon highlights and tiny scribbles all over as a useful pretense. if people can alter your words why not a whole book. saying this without ceasing my respect to the historians of course. i'd like to think they know what they're doing, but sometimes words like 'maybe' or 'i heard that' or 'we are still not fully convinced yet' or 'more evidence shall be gathered' get lost in the shuffle. maybe these words sound like an unnecessary decoration the sentences could do better without. and then i thought about things that happened today that may get recorded in history books, and then last week, so i'd strip last month bare, and next thing i knew the whole year had been scraped off

felt like an eventful year (politics, etc) but usually only some selected events get magnified. their importance aggrandized, details lost. i wanna say to my children the world didn't use to work that way, but my memory can't support this. no matter how vague history possesses clarity our future can practically get away with; you can say that we have no future but not the same thing with history. history is a horror impregnating the lives of the present and the future.

'live with it'

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