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What is your biggest fear?
Everyone has it, unless you are hundred percent of pure fearless creature. I tell you, this is just I want to share my feelings surrounding me recently. This is not a poem or an essay I am trying to make up. This is really, just about thoughts I've been trying to depict from my mind.

I don't know what I'm talking about, really, I don't want to talk much. I guess if you are pretty much of a wonderful devoted reader of my blog, you may knew that I'm not right these days. Oh, perhaps these weeks, and even to extent; these months. I know, I am the person who experienced it and I know the best that I don't feel right for quite a time. I've been trying, believe me, any possible way to ease my, well, I don't know what noun can define it. Can you help me? Do you know what this is called? Because I feel
a) empty
b) uncertain
c) lost
d) guilty (this is really weird, I don't have any particular reason for being guilty, but I am)
e) well, weird is also included (since I am feeling guilty without any reason thus I am)
f) sick (not physically)
g) tired
h) fearful


What is your biggest fear?
I'm afraid of being old
I'm frightened just by thinking about it
I don't want
I really really don't want to
be old

It's not that I'm afraid of starting getting wrinkles, or crow's feet, or white hair, or anything, even well, I don't like those ideas too. I am just scared of myself getting older everyday. It's like, for me, personally, carrying an unbearable burden on my tiny shoulders. The more I am matured, the more I should've understood what I ought to do, do my own thing and not just standing still in the same place. In other words, I should change, move. But I don't know, or maybe I just don't want to.

I want to live my everyday, without any single thought that my age is being added up.
Every morning, or dawn, or maybe the night when I couldn't sleep; I woke up and found, I'd been a day older than who I was the day before. And then, by the next 365 days I would've been a year older. Doesn't it seem long? Don't you think, logically, there should be a huge change then? But it wasn't, really. I was still the same person, changing only a bit and was obviously not worth a year to be like that.

Or maybe, a year is not that long, it's just living everyday without keeping track of date so it just goes day by day, night by night, flow freely and unconsciously and it's been, if you count back, 365 mornings and 365 nights spent. It's probably just like counting from one to three hundred and sixty five.

It's not that I want to change anyway. I think being adult is pathetic, really. And thinking that every teenager, is thinking this way, sounds more pathetic, doesn't it? And yes, every adult thinks that this way of thinking is utterly pathetic.

I feel that life is being too fast. Hey, it's 2009! And soon it will be 2010. I'll be seventeen. Eighteen. Nineteen. Twenty. Twenty! Can you imagine that? Oh gosh, I don't want to grow up anymore. I don't want to be dead either. I want to live without getting older. I'm tired of getting older.


Maybe I just want to be sixteen forever.
Was I trying to say that?
No, I wasn't.
But yeah, it would be the best feeling in this entire world.
And it won't happen anyway.
Beyond any means.


But if it does, I'm pretty sure I won't be happy either.


I'm selfish, aren't I?
And pathetic.
You know I really am.