kindergarchy.

i thought about a lot of things tonight, i lay on the cold wooden floor, its polished gleam visible amidst the total darkness surrounding it. a few minutes earlier, proceeding to the first stage of my deep sleep, which was interrupted by a phone call, "have you arrived home?" asked my dad

and until now, my sleep has not come back. until now

nothing quite like my unrequited love for sleep

nothing makes me shout a pianissimo "fuck" above midnight
nothing makes me storm thump thump into my brother's room, my "where is my aircon remote" roaming across the space, my father washing my bathroom (how nice of him, it's midnight) but still i would scream and shout because no one steals my precious share of sleep.

in particular after 3 days of reckless reality, alternating with vicious dreams: my body in a wear and tear condition like a wreck of metal, plated with gold that has rusted off very tenderly, very carelessly

i need my sleep, i want my sleep, a spell that can never be cast on me

but instead i thought about a gamut of other things, which i would not remember in the morning because i thought to myself, "i don't want to remember anything i am thinking about right now, because it's all a terrible thing" "tomorrow i will have to forget" "this is stupid" "therefore i am"

(things that do not need a sleep to be forgotten, because i can barely recall any of them now. i love jinxing things. which is a big fat lie.)

i thought about what makes it impossible for people to grow smarter when they are constantly surrounded by stupid people. because the only thing that can push people to forward is, the mindset that says, "i have not known enough." but with stupid people, his knowledge will never expand because it is always vast enough to quench their thirst. not a single neuron is a ladder step leading to another room of knowledge above. hence, stagnation. no progress observed not only because stupid people drag others down to their level.


(such thing occurs to you only when you can't sleep. really, you can't bulk your sleep: it's either enough or not enough. there is no debit or credit, and sleep is not an investment; not even a short-term one. it's just one thing you need to go through in order to survive.)