she is the symbol of my middleschool-highschool life, representing each second of different proximities that eventually melt together and transpire to shape what i used to be, what i am, and what i might be in future. at the back of biology class, we exchanged glances and knew what each other was thinking. we swapped our pictures and uttered to each other what each picture represented; although most of the time we just scantily said, "i do not know. it just looks nice."

a new semester, another friend of mine came and asked her.

"can i sit beside you this semester?"
"that'd be nice, but i think i am sitting with amanda again."
"oh yeah, it was so sudden right, she just moved out to singapore."

silence enveloped her and she nagged me the next time we met.

how could i not tell, i could not tell you how. it was so difficult, i had her secrets and she had mine, but my departure was nowhere in between, not in the overlapping part. i loved her and she was real; whereas my being separated from her, separated by seas, airs and skies seemed so unreal i could not whisper a single word about it.

she is now studying interior design and i could not help imagining all the sturdy lines and prime colours she used to paint all over blank papers have now developed into something more concrete and substantial. and i remember how she used to say, "i like being photographed, but by me, myself. me taking picture of myself, because only i know myself the best." i nodded because i knew how it felt like.

and yesterday i thought, i want to just stare at the screen, at those two plump darkness centered on her eyes, and die again.

aghnia fuad by
torik danumaya

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